503. Smartass answers to frequently asked deep philosophical questions

How to be a better person?
By not asking silly questions.

Why do we have to die?
Welcome to the human condition 101.

What is consciousness?
The information stored in the electromagnetic field of your brain. further reading can be found here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electromagnetic_theories_of_consciousness

Am I happy?
Why do you want to be happy?

Who shot JFK?
Lee Harvey Oswald?

What happens when you die?
You will be incinerated or get eaten by worms, vultures and other corpse eating creatures.

Who am I?
Whoever you want to be.

Is masturbation a sin?
It depends on what you masturbate to.
As a rule of thumb if you masturbate to situations where you are having sexual intercourse with something that is or was alive and does not or is not able to give his/her/its consent then yes it is a sin. You disgusting piece of shit.

How to forgive
By not forgetting.

Will I ever be thin?

Sure, if there is no pathological condition just stop eating shit.

What is scientology?
A religion that wants your money. Sounds familiar?

Did the moon landings actually happen?
Yes.

How to read palms
By taking a marker and writing something on them.

Where in the bible does it say that homosexuality is a sin?
Ask those who preach it.
Most of them will cringe at first but then will take you behind the altar to purify your soul and..

What religion is Donald and Melania Trump?
Capitalism.

What do Muslims believe?
That there is a supreme being that has created the world and that your afterlife will be judged according to your present day actions. Sounds familiar?

How to hypnotize someone
By using rape pills. You worthless piece of shit, scum of the earth.

Reincarnation
Remasturbation

What is heaven like?
It's like her warm wet dripping pussy.

What is hell?
Being taken behind the altar. See above

Relationship between religion and science
Not related. This does not mean that they can reproduce.

What is beauty?
Beauty is like heaven. See above

What is love?
Baby don't hurt me


What is my life purpose?
To be in heaven. See above

What is evil?
Anything that keeps you outside of heaven. See above

Is god real?
Yes I am.

Does god exist?
Yes I do.

Why do bad things happen to good people?
Because they are naïve and don't have contingency plans due to their belief that they are not evil. Spoiler: bad things happen also to bad people but they are not whining about it.

When will the world end?
It has already ended on December 21st 2012 AD. You are living in a matrix like simulation and your body fluids are used as ingredients for your overlord's beverages.
As if I had to apologize to the cows and the sheep of this reality for my cappuccinos and my yoghurts.

Is there life after death?
Is there life before death?
Is there death before life?
Is there death after life?

Why does god hate me?
I don't. Rest assured.

What is truth?
Any argument that does not rely on false premises and is well structured.

How to live forever?
Ask Jesus or Ray Kurzweil.

How to suicide
Pick you shit: Wrist cutting, Dehydration, Disease, Drowning, Electrocution, Firearm, Hanging, Hypothermia, Immolation, Volcano, Indirect suicide, Animal attacks, Jumping from height, Poison, Pesticide, Drug overdose, Carbon monoxide, Ritual suicide, Seppuku, Autosacrifice, Self-strangulation, Starvation, Suffocation, Suicide attack, Vehicular impact, Rail, Metro systems, Car Aircraft.

Who is your soulmate?
Mary. The virgin one.

What are the winning lottery numbers?
6 32 55 12 87 64

Do aliens exist?
Yeap.

Is time travel possible?
Only to the future. That's where the arrow of time points to.

Will I ever be rich?
I charge 100$/hour to anyone who asks me this question. Alternatively I can sell some lottery tickets.

What is the meaning of life?
42. Duh

Do ghosts exist?
How many times did you need to drink, how many sluts did you have to fuck in order to forget your soulmate?

Is there a parallel universe?
Not only one. Plenty of them.

How do we end poverty?
By mining asteroids, using solar and wind energy and fusion reactors. Be patient.

Is there a God?
Not only one. Plenty of them.

Is the Loch Ness Monster alive?
Yeah sure.

Am I a good person?
I charge 100$/hour to anyone who asks this question. Alternatively you can go ask the bible preachers the same shit.

Did Donald Trump rig the election?
The Russians surely wanted Hillary not to get elected.

When will I die?
Sometime in the foreseeable future. Be patient.

How am I going to die?
In angst, in pain or peacefully in your sleep.

Do people like me?
When you don't ask silly questions, they don't hate you.

What came first, the chicken or the egg?
The chicken.
"The scientific and philosophical mystery was purportedly unraveled by researchers at Sheffield and Warwick universities, according to the Daily Mail newspaper.
The scientists found that a protein found only in a chicken's ovaries is necessary for the formation of the egg, according to the paper Wednesday. The egg can therefore only exist if it has been created inside a chicken."

Am I good looking?
People are having sex with horses and the exhaust pipes of cars. I am sure somebody finds you good looking.

Does my cat really like me?
HELL NO!

Am I good in bed?
Does her/your pussy drip?

Is my partner cheating on me?
It depends.

I want to die
Pick you shit (x2): Wrist cutting, Dehydration, Disease, Drowning, Electrocution, Firearm, Hanging, Hypothermia, Immolation, Volcano, Indirect suicide, Animal attacks, Jumping from height, Poison, Pesticide, Drug overdose, Carbon monoxide, Ritual suicide, Seppuku, Autosacrifice, Self-strangulation, Starvation, Suffocation, Suicide attack, Vehicular impact, Rail, Metro systems, Car Aircraft.

What is Time?
The fourth dimension of timespace. (x,y,z,t)

What happens after death?
Nothing.

Are human beings just machines?
Yeap.

Destiny? Free Will?
Mayo? Mustard?

What is Philosophy?
The love of wisdom. Learn greek otherwise you will stay in this barbaric state of mind, asking silly questions.